For Whom The Ball Rolls

It was quiet in the Chamounix Forest on Tuesday evening as the good sun of late spring fingered through the tree limbs.
I wandered across the open grass near the ball field, but there was no game. This was not as planned. My first assignment for the new editor was important.
I was down to my last writing pencil and the notebooks I coveted at the papeterie on the Rue Passyunk could not be purchased yet.
The chilly weeks of April had passed, fortunately, but it was still damp and gloomy in the tiny room above the bar on Rue de Cerise. The last of the charcoal and wood shavings were burned away and I could not even afford a pint of the bracing ale. In the night, I could hear their laughter downstairs, especially Lynch, and sleep would not come.
Somewhere there was a ball game on another open field, but I had misplaced it, or it had misplaced me. A tribe of refugees, I was told, against another tribe of drinkers and ogres.
There might be ambulances and in the distance, away from the lovely still of Chamounix, you could hear the distant ring of a bat against the good, honest cover of the ball. It began to rain and I shivered.
The results would have to be invented.
CATAHOULA REFUGEES 18 – SOUTH PHILLY TAP ROOM 16: Two stout undefeated armies on the field of friendly strife. The Refugees emerge victorious, but only because Carol was robbed of her chance to tie the game when Joey Whiteshoes was ruled out after clearly sliding beneath the tag. There will be another day for these armies.
ZOO 30 – FRANKLIN INSTITUTE 18: What manner of beating is this, that leaves the vanquished not only defeated but humiliated? Ah, that there could be some sort of retribution possible.
ART MUSEUM 20 – ZOO 14: There once was an artist named Frank. To be honest, his blog usually stank. He pissed off the GT with a post that was meaty, then said it was only a prank.
PEN & PENCIL 9 – FLEISHER ART MEMORIAL 7: A narrow meeting on the Edgeley battleground where, for some reason, the air defenses have not yet begun to buzz the field. There will be shrapnel in the air eventually, however, and the smell of gunpowder on the rise.
GREEN TAMBOURINE 12 – FRANKLIN INSTITUTE 11: They have known trouble, these tambourines, but yet they rise to once again make their jangly music. It rings across the sporting plain in triumph for the first time.
BISHOP’S COLLAR 29 – NATIONAL CONSTITUTION CENTER 4: The man of the cloth drew back his robes and began to warm himself by the fire. It was a good fire, deep and bright.

A Tainted Postponement

Rainout/forfeit/cat fight
 drives Commish to drink

It seems as if the only interesting game in Week 5 of the CCSL was the one that wasn’t played, specifically wasn’t played between the Philadelphia Museum of Art and Team Green Tambourine.
While two other scheduled Monday games (FAM-TFI, P&P-NCC) were postponed early in the day because it was cold and raining heavily – those wusses – the Art vs. Tambourine game was not officially cancelled until, apparently, never.
The Commissioner has reviewed the matter, but reports that he has not received a 300-word narrative from either captain outlining the circumstances of the disagreement as to whether the game was supposed to be played, wasn’t supposed to be played, should have been a forfeit, or should have only been played by anyone stupid enough to ride a bike through those conditions for the sole pleasure of drinking outside in the rain rather than inside with Phyllis.
As a reminder, and this can be found in the updated version of league rules (v.2.7, 2012), all matters which are brought before the commissioner must be accompanied by a 300-word narrative. Personal style on single- or double-spacing, but those narratives must be delivered to the port-a-potty outside the abandoned snack bar on Edgeley 8 within 48 (forty-eight) hours after the Initial Complaint Report (ICR) is faxed to the league office.
As a result, the commissioner has ruled that BOTH teams will be credited with a forfeit loss as a result of Monday night. If either party wishes to contest that ruling, a copy of the ISO form (I Strenuously Object!) will need to be filed before the final waning of the gibbous moon.
In other (actual) results:
South Philly Tap Room 21, Green Tambourine 7: Well, they showed up for that one, Ray. Tap remained locked in first-place tie with Catahoula, heading into top of the standings showdown in Week 6.
Bishop’s Collar 8, Fleisher Art Memorial 5: The Collar continued to climb out of its early-season ditch with a narrow win over a FAM team that had been averaging 16 runs per game.
Catahoula Refugees 23, Zoo 15: There is really nothing clever to say about this one.

The Weekly CCSL Roundup, Week 4!

CARL "THE COMMA"

Welcome to the weekly Si Si Softball League roundup. I’m your host for the week, Carl “The Comma” Callahan and this is really a tryout, folks. Your commissioner, Ed “Daddy” Wags, has been looking for someone to tackle the typing trials and, well, what better place to find fame, fortune and fantastic softball than on Craig’s List?
No place, that’s what I say.
Let’s get right to it, Yes Yes Softball fans. We’ll go to the action on Monday and start with what must have been a rock ‘em-sock ‘em ding-dang of a darn tootin’ battle out on Edgeley 8 where the Wild Animals of the Philadelphia Zoo barely tamed the Jangly Instruments of Team Green Tambourine by a razorback hog thin 11-10 margin.
Gotta remember here that the Mildly Annoying Musical Thingamajigs had only scored a total of nine runs in their first three losses of the season, so it’s anyone’s guess what happened in this one. Either the Tambourin Verts found some lumber lunks or the Zoomeisters had some leather lethargy on the grappling grass. Now 3-2 on the season, Les Animeaux has played four games decided by two runs or less, splitting those. Whoa Nellie!
Over on Belmont 4, the Tappers of the South beat the National Constitution Center for National Constitutions by a 30-15 pasting. Nevertheless, the 15 runs was a record for NCC since its rollicking reemergence in the Of Course Softball League at the beginning of 2012, and not withstanding its under-the-radar sneaking around as Ancient City.
Finally on Monday, the Red Inks of the Pen & Pencil Club came from behind to beat the Bellowing Bens of the Franklin Institute by a 21-5 margin. The Buddy Monsters jumped out to a 2-0 lead in the top of the first but weren’t able to hang on for the next six innings.
Tuesday, the Fleisher Arties bested those Artie Museum types by a 19-18 count. Careful CCSL watchers knows that the Sammys have been a team on the rise for a while now and they kept rising like bread in the oven against the Groping Griffins of the Parkway. Fleisher’s only debit in the checking account this season was a mere three-run loss to the Tap Dancers of Mifflin Street. The Griffins, meanwhile, have played three one-run games and lost two of those. That’s how close the Ray-Bans are to a 4-1 record and a brighter outlook on the long, dusty road of the league season that appears to have wandered into an unexpected off-ramp for the Hanging Objets du Artism.
Catahoula finished off what must have been an enjoyable two days for the NCC, with a Dairy 2 win by a 17-5 final score (nice scheduling there, commish.) The Spotted Dogs of the Cajun Region improved to 5-0 and remain tied at the top of the table with the Roomies. NCC can sneak up on the Writing Implements at Lake Belmont next week with a single game.
And in the final game on the schedule, it was those Southern City Tappers with a 22-18 win over the Priest’s Collar (they ain’t Bishops no more, Aunt Lou) in a rematch of last season’s championship semifinal game. The Neckbands won that one, but they couldn’t keep up with Elmer & The Mashers in a contest that looks a lot closer than it felt. Collar Me Sad is now 1-4 on the season, but still has that old grit and determination to be a contender before all the songs are sung and all the mouthwash is gargled.
Let’s see what happens next!

A POSTSEASON ROSTER REMINDER

It has come to the attention of the commissioner’s office that several playoff teams might be considering “roster loading” for the coming postseason, possibly trying to add “ringers” to their team for the sole purpose of “getting better.”

As you know, this is supposed to be a fun league and none of us got into this to win championships. We like having an adult beverage, enjoying the pristine beauty of Fairmount Park and having some honest exercise. (Which can also be accomplished, by the by, with a weekend EdVenture. It just so happens there is one coming up next weekend, the Fishtown Thrill Rallye, but more on that later.)

Anyway, the idea of adding players who have not been part of one’s team for the postseason is repugnant to our CCSL ideals, and please be assured that the commissioner’s office will be “keeping an eye out” for irregularities.

As a refresher, here is Rule 14, Section A from our league handbook:

14. Playoffs 

a)    Players are considered eligible for playoffs if they have played in at least six regular season games or are known by name to 75% of the captains.  In the event a player is injured, but attends the game, this counts towards eligibility unless the injured played is carried off the field by members of the opposing team.

That last bit is also known at the John Spencer Rule, although it has not been applied recently once it was determined that Spencer had been carried off the field by members of ALL the opposing teams in the league.

But there you have it. If your postseason player did not appear in (or at, in the case of those who were injured, but not carried off the field by opponents) at least six games are not welcome to take part in our annual Festival of Champions.

So, folks. Don’t embarrass yourself by trying to sneak in an ineligible player. The commissioner is watching and he doesn’t miss much.

LET'S FOLLOW THE RULES

One should never have to search for second base!

It has come to the attention of the commissioner’s office that a CCSL rain makeup took place Thursday, June 14 between PMA and PTM at Edgeley 7 --  an unofficial, unsanctioned, unkempt baseball field.  Multiple issues have been noted, and separate 300-word narratives will be required for each:

1. The infield grass was 6 inches tall, which is 4.75 inches over CCSL height requirements according to rule 32f.  I don’t know how many times I have to remind you all that this is dangerous and unfounded!  And something that can be easily resolved with an official Edventure push mower ($79.99) and weedwacker ($65)!  Don’t forget to order these from the catalog before the next Lawn Sculpture Rallye takes place at Girard College July 14-16, 2012.

2. The bases and pitching rubber were not set up according to league rules with Edventure tape measures (2 for $30).  Rather, they were just tossed willy-nilly into the baseball field’s unkempt grass, creating what can only be described as a “potentially dangerous situation.”  When we don’t follow the rules and neglect to place second base 16 feet plus Pi past the circle that is the diameter of one CCSL infield rake ($20) centered on the pitching rubber, this can lead to a bruised ego, scraped knee, or worse. Remember, safety first!

I have been told via OnStar car phone that the “final tally” of this game was Art Museum 17, Please Touch 9.  Since this game has playoff implications, and the margin of victory was less than 10 runs, it is probable that the commissioner will follow rule 57c, which states the game will be discounted and a Do-Over requested.  Just think of the meaningless game you just played as an Edventure! More information will be posted shortly.

Please submit your 300-word narratives post haste.

PROPER 300-WORD NARRATIVE EXPLAINED

Gang, many of you have asked how to write a proper 300-word narrative in order to gain the attention of the league office.

Well, I know that for some of you writing is an Edventure, so I thought I'd pass along a recently received 300-word narrative that is a fine model for what all of you should be sending my way. Have a great day, a fine weekend and don't forget the Quarter Moon Garter & Stockings Rallye that begins beneath the I-95 overpass at 3 a.m. Saturday. See you there!

--------------

To: Commissioner’s Office

RE: Rain Out  #451, Edgely 8

Teams (list separately):

 Institute, Franklin

Center, Olde City of the Daughter of Guadalupe Constitution

Time stamp: 1:52 EDT, June 12^th, 2012

300 Word Narrative

In accordance with bylaw 27d of the Center City Softball League, the aforementioned teams wish to submit a requisition for form 11b, movement of a league sanctioned game.  Both teams and their captains are in agreement with aforementioned change and desire the appropriate channels to begin the paperwork to convey this change to said teams’ personnel.  The reasons for desired movement are as described below.

Captain Muhler of the Institute, Franklin visited Edgely 8 at approximately 11:45 EDT on Tuesday the 12^th of June and noticed a large puddle covering much of the mound.  Upon measuring the puddle he noticed that it was 3 feet across at its largest and 6.8 cm deep in the center.  The texture of the surrounding mud was rather loose suggestive of continued precipitation on the playing field.  Captain Muhler was also able to notice that rain continued to fall on him as he measured the puddle due to the fact that he does not wear a hat yet is nearly bald.  This malady worked in his favor allowing him to observe the rain and measure the salinity of it as it rolled off of his cranium.  The salinity was 6.7% at sea level.  Captain Muhler was able to measure an additional 3 puddles in the next hour and list their dimensions here:  1.3’ by 13cm, 2’ by  20cm, 5’ by 13 cm.  Their condition was soggy at best.  Given the rain and the prevalence of threatening puddles, Captain Muhler submitted form 11z supplemental form q to Captain Krisch of the Center, OCDGC who cosigned as witnessed by the League notary in front of the League snack stand and creamery.  As per League rules, no softball was attempted and we submit this narrative as fulfillment of bylaw 27d.  Word count 296. Now four more words. -- Captain Muhler & Captain Krish

CRIME, PUNISHMENT AND CATALOG!

Hi, Kids. Hope everyone enjoyed our Hoagiefest Edventure. Those who took part will be receiving an invoice shortly to cover the cost of the hoagies, the table rental, fire marshal permits, napkins, Cleaniswab area disinfectant and Toxiwaste Holders, shipping and handling and a small donation to the Rallye Foundation.
It has come to the attention of the league, however, that there were some “activities” that took place after the Fairmount Sandwich Permit expired at 9 p.m., which is strictly forbidden by CCSL Postgame Edventure Rules. I don’t need to remind you – or perhaps I do – that we are guests of the City of Philadelphia when we make use of these fields and any unauthorized hijinks could lead to a loss of permits for the future.
Now, I know we’re all “good friends” here, but here’s what we need at the commissioner’s office and PDQ. I have received several incriminating photos such as the one above and am diligently attempting to identify those who took the fun a little too far. Please, send any photos you might have to EdCommish@Rallyefoundation.com and that will help the investigation.
Also, if you witnessed “activities” that were not in keeping with the rules, please write a 300-word narrative and slip it beneath the recycled charcoal strike mat at the next home game of the Catahoula Refugees (Tues., July 10, Edgeley 8 vs. Buddyforce). Narratives may exceed the 300-word limit in the case of four (4) or more violaters being named, but they may not be under the 300-word limit or they will be returned.
On to more enjoyable subjects: The new Center City Softball League Official Gear and Collectibles catalog is out and I think all will agree that the 2012 edition is even better than the best-selling 2011 version.
We have a number of categories this year and so, I’ll just start at the top and give you the highlights. Order quickly, because some items have “limited” quantities.
PERSONAL GEAR – Arm Guards ($17), Leather Tunic ($44), Large Padded Cushion ($22), Elmer Ogre Beer Cozy ($4), Rallye Cap ($16).


Leather Tunic, $44.
 Available in M, L, XL,
 XXL and Ogre.

 SAFETY AND HYGIENE – Cleaniswab Kit ($15), Toxiwaste Holder ($12), Edventure Toothbrush ($3).
FIELD EQUIPMENT – Shovel ($45), Recycled Charcoal Strike Mat ($34), Festive Bunting ($39), Orange Foul Cones/Party Hats ($12), Pitching Rubber/Dog Biscuit ($20).
MISCELLANEOUS EDVENTURE FUN-DUCERS – Full Moon Rallye Towels (pair only, $12), Edventure Booty Bag ($25).
HOAGIEFEST ACCESSORIES – Table ($32), Ron Goldwyn Spray (protect your hoagie! $10), Jeff Flynn Lightning-Resistant Tent ($64).
CCSL COLLECTIBLES – Pete Kellepourey Autographed Shovel ($90), Elmer Wiley Genuine Giraffe Femur Bat ($129), Phyllis Demo Workout Video ($24 DVD, $18 Laserdisk, $16 Betamax), Belmont 4 WaterSlide Edventure Slide ($68), Pittsburgh Benson Bobblehead ($32), Nick Ventrola Guide To Temple University Nightlife ($16 unsigned, $12 signed).
Well, that’s just a “taste” of what we have to offer in 2012. If you would like to receive the full catalog, drop me an email at EdForLife@RallyeFoundation.com or place your request in a standard No. 10 business envelope and place it beneath the recycled charcoal strike mat at the next Catahoula Refugees home game (Tues., July 10, Edgeley 8 vs. Forcebuddy).
Include a 300-word narrative – single spaced is always preferable – on why you believe you “deserve” to receive a catalog and include a detailed list of your past purchases. Items can be shipped one of three ways: ground, express and EdVentureCare Delivery.
Standard ground shipping takes 16-18 weeks and cannot be guaranteed to arrive within that time frame. Express shipping takes 8-10 weeks for those who live within the city limits of Philadelphia, slightly longer to the suburbs and Pittsburgh.
EdVentureCare Delivery is guaranteed to arrive the next day. I will drive to your home with your purchases and bring them to your door. EdVentureCare Delivery – which includes a “free” Rallye Towel gift (although there is a small shipping and handling fee for the towel) – is only $12.95 per item for the first five items and $9.95 for each additional item. So, order big and save big!
OK for now, folks. Get going on those catalog requests, and don’t forget to send me your 300-word narratives regarding what happed post-Hoagiefest. Let’s identify the guilty, send them on their way and get back to playing softball and having a wonderful Edventure!